The Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Salem, Oregon

Friendship by the Reverend Sandor Szen

June 28, 2009

All we have to do is read the Book of Parables to confirm that our notion of the Bible is valid; it is a treasure trove of spiritual and intellectual values. Without any further study we can discover the beautiful teachings on these pages that carry the axioms of the Christian faith. It fills our hearts and souls when listening to these beautiful and eternal truths, much like when we listen to a poem that’s read out loud. There is so much wisdom and rich life experience concentrated in the following statement: “A true friend will love you at all times and will become your brother or sister in times of hardship”. There’s no mistaking that the writer of this sentence has heard countless stories from people who lived through and experienced the blessings of true friendship and also bitter complaints from people who blindly believed and gave themselves for the sake of their friendship with another just to be let down at the end. All these accounts combined with the writer’s own life experiences validate his theory about friendship.

 It has always been a meaningful and worthy subject to discuss friendship as one the most beautiful and blissful tokens of life but for people living in a society that’s sinking into moral degradation, talking about this subject has a downright urgency. This general slackening that has corroded moral values has also affected friendship ties. Frivolity and selfishness that’s affecting a great number of people’s thinking and range of emotions has touched friendship quite deeply as well. We need to re-interpret the idea of friendship, re-evaluate its real values and true meaning.

 Let’s start with the idea that God has created man as a social being. This means that our lives are interwoven; we are connected with a thousand ties to those of us that we live and work with. Thus the realization of ourselves, making our lives meaningful and enriched with authentic values can only be achieved when we not only volunteer ourselves but become active members of the communities that we are born into either through our professions, willingly or unwillingly, or if we deliberately choose to be. You may begin to sense that during our lifetime we belong to many communities at the same time. In this interpretation we have some similarities to those grand chess masters who have the ability to play several different games simultaneously with many different opponents at the same time. Here are a few examples for that:

-         we are members of our family from birth through our bloodline

-         also from birth and through our common beliefs we are members of our church

-         our birth and this includes our language, common past and history and education are determining factors for being part of our nation

-         we also belong to the great family of humanity through our birth

-         by practicing our professions and jobs in the community we become the integral part of our village, town or community.

In my opinion, from the listed communities there are three basic characteristics that we need to mention:

-   the first: we become their members without our own will

-   the second: these communities very rarely excommunicate their members, you’d have to commit grand crimes in order for that to happen but in some cases even that doesn’t trigger it

-         the third: generally speaking everybody will remain the member of the same family, church or nation that they were born into aside from some exceptions.  

In contrast there is friendship that largely differs from these three principles. The community of friendship is deliberately chosen so those who act against its spirit are viewed more strictly. The third difference is that we become members of many different friendship communities as we walk down the paths of our lives. Friendship, the need for it and the ability to become friends with someone is one of the most important characteristics of our beings as our consciousness awakens and gradually crystallizes to become parts and building blocks of our lives. When I say this what I’m thinking about is how much adults love to reminisce with great nostalgia about their tender childhood years, their playmates and buddies they spent time with in the first part of their conscious lives. These first true friendships were the ones we thought would follow through the rest of our lives just to find that over time they started to fade away and with a few exceptions they ended up turning into beautiful memories while new friendships started and they too had the same fate as the first ones. Every passing day took us deeper and deeper into the woods of our lives and while from “tree-to-tree”, “soul-to-soul” we proceeded with our search for new friends newer and newer friendships were born and ended for us. Every so often when we look back from our mid-life or the dawn of our life on the “years that have drifted by” among our memories start twinkling those beautiful and lasting friendships that gave meaning to our everyday lives but also from the cache of our memories appear pictures of friendships that caused disappointment, bitterness and lots of pain.

 By the light of our memories let it be blessed and beautiful or the opposite, cursed, compromised, fake friendships we have to admit to the general conclusion that friendships are born between kindred souls. In other words there can only be friendship between those who think and feel alike, judge things in a similar way or they form a very identical opinion about the small and great things in life. Someone once said that there are three conditions to friendship: similarity, goodness and honesty.

Logically, these conditions are also the vulnerabilities of friendship. In a group of friends or a person if we are talking about friendship between two people becomes completely defenseless is somebody among the friends desecrates one of the previously mentioned ingredients of friendship.

 Honesty through its openness creates a complete transparency towards friends that we accepted into our hearts, it’s as if we sacrifice all of our secrets at the altar of friendship, we voluntarily relinquish our freedom through our openness to keep certain things in our lives private. One can never feel more exposed than as a betrayed member in a group of friends.

As an example we just have to think about the last supper where Judas’ betrayal can be interpreted the same way, Jesus and his disciples were completely vulnerable and even if they tried to protect themselves they would have failed due to the treason. Ultimately, true friendship can be revealed by what kind of choices we make under such threatening and deceitful situations and circumstances. The kind of decision that’s made under such circumstances will reveal the true nature of the friendship.

The author of the Book of Parables was specifically targeting the development of friendships under these types of difficult and adverse conditions. The writings appreciate the type of person who is willing to sacrifice his or her own freedom, safety or – as we have many examples for this - even their life to maintain the unity and togetherness with a friend even when it would seem more advantageous to betray or turn their backs on them. The author’s fine words describing this kind of human being shows great appreciation and deep respect.  He pays reverence to the person who proves his worth by his actions and by making sacrifices, someone who you really get to know in times of need.

In the great storms of life, in the relentless waves of impatience, in the air of terror, in the spirit of persecution, when everybody around us cowers, when we are far removed or left behind, in the cacophony of unprincipled and shrewd attacks, when the words of self acknowledgement and self defense are choked in our throats, when the “wolf fangs” are snapping and snarling at us, in the middle of cusses and jeers, it would feel so good, it feels good when somebody, not just anybody but an old acquaintance, a kind face, a tried and true friend comes towards you, looks you in the eye, reaches out and holds your hands tight and quietly but decisively, so that only you can hear, he simply says: I’m here, don’t be afraid. This is the same person that you spent many beautiful hours together with and enriched each other’s lives during more peaceful, quiet times. It was easy then to take on each other’s friendship but now you see that when your life took a different turn he’s still here for you, didn’t leave or turn his back on you. He came, he’s here right now, even when everyone else around you disappeared like camphor, and you’re happy even though you’re in a miserable situation because the person you always trusted in didn’t let you down, you’re not left alone by yourself, with him and the help of God your justice is risen like the sun at dawn. What else can you say at this point, the great truth has been validated: “A true friend will love you at all times and will reborn as a sibling at the time of misery”.

 Embrace your friend, look them in the eye as, after all this, they are not just a friend, they are your brother, they are your sister. Amen.